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The Belly Room at the Comedy Store

// April 8th, 2010 // 39 Comments » // LA Done Me Wrong

“I’m morbidly obese!”  The very slightly pudgy comedian onstage said.  I was at The Comedy Store last night with Stan and my brother Richard in the Belly Room awaiting our friend Brandon Phillips’ standup.  “If you don’t believe me,”  The dude onstage continued, “go look at the other gays on Santa Monica Boulevard.” 

Me on my bathroom floor

Driving through West Hollywood, seeing all the giant billboards with super hot, glistening men with perfect abs, and women wearing tiny bits of fabric masquerading as clothing makes me think that yes, I would like to reduce my 25″ tummy size which I just measured to be sure.  Why do I want such an absurdly tiny tummy?  Maybe because I live in Los Angeles where many people are obsessed with being physically perfect.  If I was still in Florida walking through Wal-Mart, moving aside to let the size 14 women in the aisles pass I might not care as much.  Recently, when a boyfriend told me I had a flabby tummy I went into the bathroom and cried.  “You think I’m not perfect!” was my inner diatribe.  Obviously I know I’m not perfect but I’d like the person I’m dating to think I am.  That would be nice.  Or maybe cracking on myself onstage in front of 90 strangers at the Comedy Store on Sunset would be the way to go.  It would be me, Bel, making fun of my belly in the Belly room.

Click, I’m in a Relationship! Yup, Facebook.

// February 18th, 2010 // 6 Comments » // I Love LA.

I was talking to my little middle-school niece on the phone yesterday. I’m in Los Angeles, and she’s in Florida so I don’t get to see her much. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend and a minute later he’d changed his Facebook Status to say “single.” When she told him she wasn’t ready for a relationship he said “Can we still dance together at the school dances?” She said no so he changed his status. I love kids. They do the darndest things.

So I just updated my Facebook Status. Now I’m “In a Relationship.” It was scary to click that mouse and now have a public record that anyone in the entire world has access to. Anyone with internet access, that is. Not that anyone cares, really. My Los Angeles friends are probably too busy pursuing their dreams of acting to even notice. Or perhaps they don’t give a mouse’s butt because they’re experiencing hazards in their own dating life. My friend Jason who happens to be a straight male here in Los Angeles Facebooked me “I spent my Valentines Day at The Abbey. I’m not joking, being sarcastic or pulling your leg. I actually was at the worlds most famous gay bar during valentines day. Shit happens.” To comfort him I told him that he was probably checked out like crazy by the gay men. He was. “I was reminded how high my value is in the gay community. Apparently I’m a highly regarded piece of ass.” Whatever makes you happy, I always say. My boyfriend Stan makes me happy. It didn’t bother him that my face was in the tabloids with a male-stripper (see last blog) and he made me a raw-food vegan meal this weekend since I said that’s what I like. I love adults. We too, do the darndest things.

Mouse Sitting

// January 25th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // I Love LA.

My friends Tom and Shane work for a pet crematory.  Pets in Los Angeles die, pets in Los Angeles need to be cremated.  Tom and Shane help make that happen.  It’s a small, peculiar niche, yet a booming business rife with comedic stories I’m happy to hear every time we hang out. 

Tom and Shane are a couple.  A gorgeous couple, I might add.  They own a condo in Woodland Hills which I’ve had the pleasure of mouse sitting these days while they’ve been gallivanting through Egypt and France.  I say mouse sitting because they have an adorable mouse named Leona (she’s technically a rat but I find that term degrading).

I’ve thus enjoyed days away from Los Angeles, in their perfectly adorned and decorated condo, writing on my laptop or eating a meal with my Stan while little Leona runs around.  Uneventful seems to be the word to characterize my time away from Los Angeles, even though I’m only 20 miles away from my Koreatown apartment.  Although I did drive back to meet a transvestite who applied to our roommate ad.  She had pink hair.

Freckles in Los Angeles

// January 21st, 2010 // No Comments » // I Love LA.

“OMG! I met a guy and he’s the cutest thing ever and I like him so much!”  I called my mom to tell her in my middle-school-like excitement and run-on sentences.  Yes, several weeks ago at the last minute I’d decided to head out to a Christmas party hosted by Matt and Katie who I used to work with at ACME Talent and Literary, who now have their own webseries.  Initially I’d thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it to their party due to work, but work was cancelled and so I found myself venturing out.

LA has been called the Entertainment Capital of the World, the Cultural Capital of the 21st Century, it’s home to the richest museum in the world (Getty), has warm lovely weather, is a city seen in the backdrop of movies and TV shows, contains Rodeo Drive, Melrose Avenue.  It’s a place where dreams come true. 

But it doesn’t seem to be the place to go to meet your soulmate.  Not that I have tried.  But at Katie’s little Christmas party I did serendipitously meet an intelligent guy with a warm smile, tan skin and oh-my-god-I-wanna-kiss-him freckles.  We hiked on the beach at Point Dume with the sun warming our skin and the waves crashing to the shore.  I conned him and myself into running into the freezing cold surf.  “It’ll only be for a quick second, Stan!  Don’t be a sissy!”  It was freaking freezing and we laughed all the way splashing in and out.  God, men are beautiful.  Women too.